It's almost 4am as I type this, it has been one of *those* nights...the ones where I lie wide awake for hours before giving up and getting back up again... I have a blocked nose, keep sneezing and Sunny keeps kicking me in the head...not matter how many times I move him, he still shuffles back so his feet at at my head.
And so of course after being awake for so long I can't help but have my mind wander... On my mind was moving (yes, we got the house!!!!!!) and how the boys will go, as well as the cat. Thinking about how we have lived in this house for 8 years, but its never felt like our 'home', can a rental feel like a home I wonder??
I moved on past that and onto Jet's birthday, wondering if because it will be so soon after the move can we afford to do anything, will we be able to afford the present we want to give him?
And of course thinking about Jet's birthday makes me think about his birth, so I think about PTSD... and I was kind of thinking about something someone else posted, about speaking up so other women know they are not alone (that post was about PND, but anyway), as well as struggling with sharing because of the reactions. (Yes I know I have summarised that crappily, but it's 4am, gimme a break)
So in thinking about PTSD and how I speak out about it I have noticed that there are things I am happy to share, but there are things I struggle to be honest and open about. Strangely enough the things that go unsaid are not 'TMI'.... I will readily admit that sex was a trigger for me for some time, that I struggle with affection, that I bought a Diva Cup to use while pregnant with Sunny to help with vagina issues (though I never did end up using it... I am now waiting for my cycle to return so I can try it out).
However there are things I don't tell people, and I probably should, if not for helping myself out with getting along with people, but so if other people experience these things they are not alone. The main reason I haven't shared before, is because of people's reactions. I feel like if I say something that is 'wrong' with me, the immediate reaction of some people is to try and fix it, so I am bombarded with you should do X, it will make you better, blah blah blah. Orrrrrrr, another reaction is to feel sorry for me and that shits me LOL.
Hmm I am losing my train of thought (getting tired YAY!).
So...I think I dance around this but have never really come out and said it (and a comment to an old post reminded me of it, as well as the post I mentioned earlier)...while I said in my previous post that I have reached the point where I don't feel that PTSD is me, that its just a part of me. And while most people who read/know me would know that there are things that trigger a PTSD reaction from me, PTSD has also affected me in some other ways.
To put it most bluntly, I feel emotionally impaired; I am not happy. Now, when I same I'm not happy I don't mean that I am depressed, that's not the same thing!!! It would be better put that I am in a fairly constant state of 'meh', where I'm okay, but mood is low. And I am like that always. (And if anyone dares to suggest reducing caffeine and exercising in order to 'fix' this, I will scream. I have tried and it makes no fucking difference!!!!!!)
Another thing is my social awkwardness, I've always been awkward but I am finding myself at time to behave in a socially unacceptable manner (like laughing at the wrong moment, saying stupid things) and I cringe after I realise what I have done...yet I can stop myself doing it. And as lame and silly as it is, when shit like this happens I think of the PTSD checklist and start mentally checking off...and I think, wow april, you've got issues!!
I am going to have to leave it there, but those are the 2 main unspoken things that I deal with that I wanted to get out... I need to go sleep now!!!
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Sunday, 7 February 2010
bit of this n that :)
I'm not sure if I've blogged it yet, but many of my online friends have certainly been whinged to LOL. We are trying to move house and it is one of the most frustrating experiences ever!
We found a house way back in December that sounded okay but the real estate didn't get back to us to go and have a look until January, we were starting to think they didn't want new tenants!
So we went and had a look, it was not 3 bedrooms as advertised...a hallway is not a bedroom people! But because the 2 bedrooms were pretty huge and there was 2 living rooms, we thought we could make it work (not to mention the backyard!). Applied for it and again waited... 2 weeks ago they called to say we would know by later that week if we had it or not...guess what!? We haven't heard back.
In the meantime we decided bugger them, we don't want to rent from someone so slack! And last week we found another house that we liked the sound of (and can actually afford). Jamie went and asked the real estate about an inspection and we got to go the next day!!
So this house is out of town, about 25mins away. We have applied for it and the real estate rang wanting to know when we could move in *if* we got it. So fingers crossed!!
Its not a beautiful house, but I don't want a beautiful house anyway. I hate having to stunt the creativity of my children in fear of them marking the walls or whatever. It will be great to have a house with a backyard so they can get creative outside! We barely have a backyard here and I hate it. The boys can't run around or anything...
There is not much other news here...I am still slowly chipping away at my ABA training, its very tricky with Sunny not sleeping well and a serious lack of free time, but I am doing the best I can.
Oh Sunny was 17mths on Thursday! I can't believe he is that old already!! He is running everywhere, such a crazy little dude. He is also climbing, so I have to make sure I push the chairs up against the table or he is on them and then up on the table, gah!
He talks heaps more than Jet and Indy did at this age...I think Indy was only just talking and Jet didn't talk till he was 2. This morning I was sitting on the toilet and Sunny came running around the corner "what doin?" He also says "all done!" Its very cute when we are boobing in bed and he sits up and says "all done!"
As well as that some things he has been saying for a while -"tat" (cat) "hello" "bye-bye" "ta-da!" (which I think he thinks means wee, because after Indy goes to the potty he says "ta-da!" so Sunny copies LOL) "wass dat?" "want dat"
So we've reached 17mths of boobing, tis very cool!! I am very excited to be nearing 18mths, way back before I had kids I thought breastfeeding a baby till 18mths was pretty extreme, so I wanted to go to 2 years, to be even more extreme ROFL. And my cycle still hasn't returned, I recall saying to Sazz while I was pregnant, or maybe when Sunny was teeny, that I wanted to be one of those weird people that didn't have their cycle return until 18mths, I'm nearly there! Fingers crossed I can get to 2 years LOL.
Oh oh! I nearly forgot! Its nearly Jet's birthday! I am starting to think about a party, where to have it, what the theme will be, and of course, cake! I'm also looking into myself and sussing out how I feel 5 years after his birth. I don't know yet...it just sort of sits with me...I have the heavy feeling that it will never be gone and I think I am okay with that now. A year ago I think it still bothered me that it was still hanging around, and I wanted it GONE already!
I have talked with another friend who also experienced birth trauma, and also my psychologist, about not wanting to feel totally numb about birth, or Jet's birth. I think generally the treatment for PSTD is desensitisation. And while it makes sense to want to lessen ones reaction to trauma, at the same time it doesn't.
I feel like if I were to see a birth video, full of intervention and horrible stuff like Jet's and not feel anything, it wouldn't be right. I don't want to have no reaction, because I feel like if I don't react I am saying that that birth is ok, that birth trauma is okay and its not something we need to feel affected by, and that's bullshit.
I do react to birth videos, especially those with intervention, in hospitals, and where the birth attendants are too hands on, and I *will* continue to do so. Panic attacks are not pleasant but I would sooner deal with those than brush my birth trauma under the carpet like it never happened.
We found a house way back in December that sounded okay but the real estate didn't get back to us to go and have a look until January, we were starting to think they didn't want new tenants!
So we went and had a look, it was not 3 bedrooms as advertised...a hallway is not a bedroom people! But because the 2 bedrooms were pretty huge and there was 2 living rooms, we thought we could make it work (not to mention the backyard!). Applied for it and again waited... 2 weeks ago they called to say we would know by later that week if we had it or not...guess what!? We haven't heard back.
In the meantime we decided bugger them, we don't want to rent from someone so slack! And last week we found another house that we liked the sound of (and can actually afford). Jamie went and asked the real estate about an inspection and we got to go the next day!!
So this house is out of town, about 25mins away. We have applied for it and the real estate rang wanting to know when we could move in *if* we got it. So fingers crossed!!
Its not a beautiful house, but I don't want a beautiful house anyway. I hate having to stunt the creativity of my children in fear of them marking the walls or whatever. It will be great to have a house with a backyard so they can get creative outside! We barely have a backyard here and I hate it. The boys can't run around or anything...
There is not much other news here...I am still slowly chipping away at my ABA training, its very tricky with Sunny not sleeping well and a serious lack of free time, but I am doing the best I can.
Oh Sunny was 17mths on Thursday! I can't believe he is that old already!! He is running everywhere, such a crazy little dude. He is also climbing, so I have to make sure I push the chairs up against the table or he is on them and then up on the table, gah!
He talks heaps more than Jet and Indy did at this age...I think Indy was only just talking and Jet didn't talk till he was 2. This morning I was sitting on the toilet and Sunny came running around the corner "what doin?" He also says "all done!" Its very cute when we are boobing in bed and he sits up and says "all done!"
As well as that some things he has been saying for a while -"tat" (cat) "hello" "bye-bye" "ta-da!" (which I think he thinks means wee, because after Indy goes to the potty he says "ta-da!" so Sunny copies LOL) "wass dat?" "want dat"
So we've reached 17mths of boobing, tis very cool!! I am very excited to be nearing 18mths, way back before I had kids I thought breastfeeding a baby till 18mths was pretty extreme, so I wanted to go to 2 years, to be even more extreme ROFL. And my cycle still hasn't returned, I recall saying to Sazz while I was pregnant, or maybe when Sunny was teeny, that I wanted to be one of those weird people that didn't have their cycle return until 18mths, I'm nearly there! Fingers crossed I can get to 2 years LOL.
Oh oh! I nearly forgot! Its nearly Jet's birthday! I am starting to think about a party, where to have it, what the theme will be, and of course, cake! I'm also looking into myself and sussing out how I feel 5 years after his birth. I don't know yet...it just sort of sits with me...I have the heavy feeling that it will never be gone and I think I am okay with that now. A year ago I think it still bothered me that it was still hanging around, and I wanted it GONE already!
I have talked with another friend who also experienced birth trauma, and also my psychologist, about not wanting to feel totally numb about birth, or Jet's birth. I think generally the treatment for PSTD is desensitisation. And while it makes sense to want to lessen ones reaction to trauma, at the same time it doesn't.
I feel like if I were to see a birth video, full of intervention and horrible stuff like Jet's and not feel anything, it wouldn't be right. I don't want to have no reaction, because I feel like if I don't react I am saying that that birth is ok, that birth trauma is okay and its not something we need to feel affected by, and that's bullshit.
I do react to birth videos, especially those with intervention, in hospitals, and where the birth attendants are too hands on, and I *will* continue to do so. Panic attacks are not pleasant but I would sooner deal with those than brush my birth trauma under the carpet like it never happened.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Boys can wear pink too yanno...
I live in such a bubble that I am so shocked and mortified when I come across things like parents posting on facebook proudly announcing that their son won't eat pink smarties because he says, 'I'm not a girl!'
WTF is with that??
Just this morning after a lovely lie in I came out to join the family and was handed the camera to have a squiz at photos of the boys that Jamie had taken earlier -
Jet would have gotten dressed up too but couldn't find his fairy wings... I am so glad that my boys haven't absorbed any of that 'pink is for girls, blue is for boys' sexist nonsense. How sweet to see them in tutus and fairy wings, dancing and doing ballet and unashamed to do so because no one has forced them to conform to society's ridiculous ways.
Some other random pics from this year -
That is Sunny's tongue...and it was actually worse than it looks, that's the best I could get with an uncooperative toddler LOL. He was climbing with Jet a few weeks ago (the first week of January I think?)...or on Jet I should say...and fell onto the window sill, bit his tongue REALLY bad. At the time I couldn't tell if he had knocked teeth out or if it was his tongue because there was blood just pouring out of his mouth. It's only just completely healed now :(
And these cos they are cute -
WTF is with that??
Just this morning after a lovely lie in I came out to join the family and was handed the camera to have a squiz at photos of the boys that Jamie had taken earlier -
Jet would have gotten dressed up too but couldn't find his fairy wings... I am so glad that my boys haven't absorbed any of that 'pink is for girls, blue is for boys' sexist nonsense. How sweet to see them in tutus and fairy wings, dancing and doing ballet and unashamed to do so because no one has forced them to conform to society's ridiculous ways.
Some other random pics from this year -
And these cos they are cute -
Important news!!!
Just wanted to let my readers know (particularly those interested in the crafty side of things) that I have started a new blog especially for my crafty stuff.
I decided a little while ago that I would like a blog dedicated to just that because I feel like I struggle to keep a balance of both family stuff and craft stuff on here.
So anyway - www.apwool.blogspot.com is where the crafty action is at now :)
There's not a lot there at the moment, but as I get time I will post about previous items I have made.
Enjoy!
I decided a little while ago that I would like a blog dedicated to just that because I feel like I struggle to keep a balance of both family stuff and craft stuff on here.
So anyway - www.apwool.blogspot.com is where the crafty action is at now :)
There's not a lot there at the moment, but as I get time I will post about previous items I have made.
Enjoy!
Friday, 29 January 2010
update on the 1 a month challenge...
I haven't started yet *blush*
I went looking for 12" square pattens and ideas, many times, and just got overwhelmed by the all. However, today it was all solved for me. I stumbled across a 1 a month Crochet Along group on Ravelry, the bonus being that it was from last year so all the squares were already there. Yoink!
There's only a few days left of January so I need to get a wriggle on!!
On the foody challenge side of things, erm, done nothing there LOL. However, after talking to a certain bad influence last night about cookies, I feel like some and I have all the standard ingredients. So now just to grab a mag and find a recipe...
I went looking for 12" square pattens and ideas, many times, and just got overwhelmed by the all. However, today it was all solved for me. I stumbled across a 1 a month Crochet Along group on Ravelry, the bonus being that it was from last year so all the squares were already there. Yoink!
There's only a few days left of January so I need to get a wriggle on!!
On the foody challenge side of things, erm, done nothing there LOL. However, after talking to a certain bad influence last night about cookies, I feel like some and I have all the standard ingredients. So now just to grab a mag and find a recipe...
Pay it Forward!
I love joining in on these, it's awesome to both receive something and be able to create something for someone else and pass on the good cheer :)
I jumped at the chance to be one of Stitch Sista's giftees so as per the rules I am now reposting the offer here -
■I will make a handmade gift for the first 3 people who comment on this post.
■I have 365 days in which to do it
■What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise!
The catch is that you must participate as well ~ you must also pay it forward. Write up a little pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going.
Squee!
I jumped at the chance to be one of Stitch Sista's giftees so as per the rules I am now reposting the offer here -
■I will make a handmade gift for the first 3 people who comment on this post.
■I have 365 days in which to do it
■What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise!
The catch is that you must participate as well ~ you must also pay it forward. Write up a little pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going.
Squee!
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Insomia led posting
Sarah gave me this award last week but I've been putting off blogging it because I suck at thinking about things about myself LOL
3. With the help of a lovely friend I am working on a new blog dedicated to showing off my craft handiwork. I tend to curb how much I blog about woolly stuff here because apparently it makes for boring reading, so it will be great to have an outlet for that.
4. I don't like bananas. The smell makes me want to puke.
5. Over the course of a few months I made my way through the entire series of Ally McBeal and am now working through E.R. at an alarming pace.
6. Embarrassingly enough I find parenting very stressful and I suspect if I had been able to know what was to come I would have had less children or none at all.
7. There is a large framed photo of Sunny being born hanging above our kitchen table, I love that it's the first thing you see when you walk into our house.
8. I find it hard to say no, together with the enjoyment I experience making things for other people, it makes for a dangerous and time consuming combination. One only has to look at my woolly projects from last year and see how many things were made for me and how many were for other people to see that.
9. I have 2 projects on the go and one waiting in my head, with another possible 3 coming up, all for other people. (And I signed up for a Pay It Forward thingy recently too....gotta blog about that!)
10. I'm actually starting to get tired! So am glad to see I am at #10 and am done...
I can't be arsed thinking of people, so if you are ready this and feel like grabbing the award and taking it, feel free :)
The rules are to share 10 honest facts about myself then give the award to 7 other bloggers who inspire me.
1. This is one of my favourite blogs. I found it when Indy was on the SCD and keep going back because I am in awe of their ability to make such awesome looking SCD friendly food and there is heaps there I want to try even though we aren't doing the SCD any more.
2. I don't sleep very well. It's 3:23am as I am typing this. I am stuck in the most awful run of shitty sleep I have ever experienced in my life. What makes it worse is that every night(morning?!) without fail as I start to fall asleep one of the boys wakes up...
1. This is one of my favourite blogs. I found it when Indy was on the SCD and keep going back because I am in awe of their ability to make such awesome looking SCD friendly food and there is heaps there I want to try even though we aren't doing the SCD any more.
2. I don't sleep very well. It's 3:23am as I am typing this. I am stuck in the most awful run of shitty sleep I have ever experienced in my life. What makes it worse is that every night(morning?!) without fail as I start to fall asleep one of the boys wakes up...
3. With the help of a lovely friend I am working on a new blog dedicated to showing off my craft handiwork. I tend to curb how much I blog about woolly stuff here because apparently it makes for boring reading, so it will be great to have an outlet for that.
4. I don't like bananas. The smell makes me want to puke.
5. Over the course of a few months I made my way through the entire series of Ally McBeal and am now working through E.R. at an alarming pace.
6. Embarrassingly enough I find parenting very stressful and I suspect if I had been able to know what was to come I would have had less children or none at all.
7. There is a large framed photo of Sunny being born hanging above our kitchen table, I love that it's the first thing you see when you walk into our house.
8. I find it hard to say no, together with the enjoyment I experience making things for other people, it makes for a dangerous and time consuming combination. One only has to look at my woolly projects from last year and see how many things were made for me and how many were for other people to see that.
9. I have 2 projects on the go and one waiting in my head, with another possible 3 coming up, all for other people. (And I signed up for a Pay It Forward thingy recently too....gotta blog about that!)
10. I'm actually starting to get tired! So am glad to see I am at #10 and am done...
I can't be arsed thinking of people, so if you are ready this and feel like grabbing the award and taking it, feel free :)
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Crafty Plans for 2010
A recent blog post by Sarah has both inspired me and reminded me of projects that I plan to attempt this year. Although I look back over my pics of crafty stuff from 2009 and feel pride in what I have made, I am kind of bummed at the same time at the lack of crafting that I actually do for me.
Well, all crafting is for me I guess, I enjoy the process of hunting for the perfect pattern and then matching it with a yarn (or the other way around!), then creating the piece. But then usually the item is given to someone else and I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for all the time spent crafting.
(I think this is all coming out far more whiney than I intended LOL)
I have been pondering a way to balance gift crafting and crafting for myself (and was reminded of it again by Sarah's post), I have wanted to crochet a throw or blanket of some sort for YEARS, but just haven't got there yet. So I have decided to crochet one 12''/30cmish square a month and then at the end of the year join them all together, hey presto a blanky for me!!
Inspired by Sarah's post I too am going to try out one new recipe a month too. I have a growing collection of food magazines, so it would be good to actually put them to use instead of drooling over the pictures!!
Now to figure out what squares I want to do and find a recipe for this month, before it ends!
Well, all crafting is for me I guess, I enjoy the process of hunting for the perfect pattern and then matching it with a yarn (or the other way around!), then creating the piece. But then usually the item is given to someone else and I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for all the time spent crafting.
(I think this is all coming out far more whiney than I intended LOL)
I have been pondering a way to balance gift crafting and crafting for myself (and was reminded of it again by Sarah's post), I have wanted to crochet a throw or blanket of some sort for YEARS, but just haven't got there yet. So I have decided to crochet one 12''/30cmish square a month and then at the end of the year join them all together, hey presto a blanky for me!!
Inspired by Sarah's post I too am going to try out one new recipe a month too. I have a growing collection of food magazines, so it would be good to actually put them to use instead of drooling over the pictures!!
Now to figure out what squares I want to do and find a recipe for this month, before it ends!
Saturday, 2 January 2010
A look back at the woolly projects of 2009
2009 saw me complete 37 projects! Heaps more than I thought, LOL and all bar 2 were gifts for other people, nawwwww. The other 2 were a kimono for Sunny and a shawl for me.
In January I made a party dress ready for Harri's first birthday -
And in February I finished off a similar dress for Harri's birth pool buddy and my very first felt placenta, plus a pair of super cute baby shoes for a Valentine's babe.
I didn't finish anything in March... But April had quite a few things - a beaded bookmark and a wavy hat for Nat :), a kimono for the above mentioned Valentine's babe and a uterus for a doula friend.
May finished off a big project - a Radiating Star Blanket, I also made a cabled baby hat, a Candle Flame Cowl as part of a Woolaholics swap and a cowl which I gifted a few months later.
In June there was a Felix's cardigan for a freshie and a hat custom made by request for my bro's birthday -
July was ridiculously busy!! I finished some longies and a hat for a FB friend, another cabled baby hat for a friend's freshie, a Breastfeeding Advocacy dish/washcloth and rainbow cowl for Sazz, another wavy hat, an Ishbel shawl for me, a cowl for me with the leftovers and a Milo vest and 3 fishcloths for Jo.
In August I made a ribbed cowl by request for Sonia and a kimono for Sunny's first birthday -
I made a Rainbow dress in September...I actually made a hat to go with it too...but didn't take a pic doh! I also made the Wingnut Award hat for the Joyous Birth forum, now that was fun LOL.
In October I made a another ribbed cowl (but didn't take a pic grr), and a Tropical Lily -
In November I made a shawl (it went with the Tropical Lily to Jo), a rainbow wavy hat by request for Nat and a small lacey shawl/scarf for my stepmum's birthday.
Just 3 things in December - a kimono and rainbow Candle Flame Cowl for Liz and a Candle Flame Cowl for Sazz -
Looking forward to lots more woolly goodness this year :)
In January I made a party dress ready for Harri's first birthday -
And in February I finished off a similar dress for Harri's birth pool buddy and my very first felt placenta, plus a pair of super cute baby shoes for a Valentine's babe.
I didn't finish anything in March... But April had quite a few things - a beaded bookmark and a wavy hat for Nat :), a kimono for the above mentioned Valentine's babe and a uterus for a doula friend.
May finished off a big project - a Radiating Star Blanket, I also made a cabled baby hat, a Candle Flame Cowl as part of a Woolaholics swap and a cowl which I gifted a few months later.
In June there was a Felix's cardigan for a freshie and a hat custom made by request for my bro's birthday -
July was ridiculously busy!! I finished some longies and a hat for a FB friend, another cabled baby hat for a friend's freshie, a Breastfeeding Advocacy dish/washcloth and rainbow cowl for Sazz, another wavy hat, an Ishbel shawl for me, a cowl for me with the leftovers and a Milo vest and 3 fishcloths for Jo.
In August I made a ribbed cowl by request for Sonia and a kimono for Sunny's first birthday -
I made a Rainbow dress in September...I actually made a hat to go with it too...but didn't take a pic doh! I also made the Wingnut Award hat for the Joyous Birth forum, now that was fun LOL.
In October I made a another ribbed cowl (but didn't take a pic grr), and a Tropical Lily -
In November I made a shawl (it went with the Tropical Lily to Jo), a rainbow wavy hat by request for Nat and a small lacey shawl/scarf for my stepmum's birthday.
Just 3 things in December - a kimono and rainbow Candle Flame Cowl for Liz and a Candle Flame Cowl for Sazz -
Looking forward to lots more woolly goodness this year :)
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